We like to play a game, now that we are transplants ourselves, called, “That person is definitely from there,” whereby we guess based on how the people are dressed and acting which city they have traded for a new city that is probably basically where they came from but with minor differences. For instance, the amount of flannel I wear would stymie most people in their quest to place my hometown, but once you hear me say, “I fucking hate Portland,” then most people respond, “Who hates Maine?” because we are on the East Coast and I forget that I have to qualify where I am from, just like when people ask me where I went to college and I say PSU, and they say, “I love Penn State!” and then I remember that really no one cares about West Coast Portland, and they certainly don’t care about Portland State University, facts which makes me feel like I have made good choices by moving here.
The above statement of course is a lie, because while I would like to say no one cares about Portland, I saw such a plethora of shirts that all but shouted, “I Love Portland!” in the airport and at the mall, so clearly there is some sort of booming market of Portland merchandise that I should consider cashing in on. Artisan Portland goods created by a Portland native! But it will just be garbage I glued together in the shape of a bird, because we are all shaped by where we are from and I can’t help but love birds so much I’ve covered myself in bird tattoos, and when strangers say what does your tattoo mean? I stick out my arm and say they mean that I like birds, and they say what is that bird? and I say it’s a sparrow, the scourge of the skies, an invasive chubby delight who has outfucked every other bird for population supremacy on the North American continent, all other birds are not safe, it’s an actual problem, would you like to hear more about sparrows?
Invariably the answer is their eyes glazing over as they remember their mother’s distant voice saying don’t talk to strangers because it will go badly for you and then they shuffle off, but the important part is now they know that sparrows are sexual deviants and not to be trusted.
Every airport sports its own corner of goods that, when donned on one’s person, will give everyone great information about either where you are from or what you are into. If I see someone in a Colorado sweater, but the rest of their outfit is fairly benign, chances are high they’re just a person who liked Colorado when they visited. If I see someone in a Colorado t-shirt in winter and they are wearing ski goggles and their girlfriend has a flannel shirt and a Carhartt hat on, then chances are high that they are from Colorado. The monkey wrench that always gets thrown into the gears though are Californians, because when they move to a place, they dress like what they think that place is like, but it’s generally easy to pick them out because they are often far too shiny and clean to really be from a grubby place like Portland, or now Asheville.
What I find interesting about these hometown shirts is that I think in this hypermobile culture we are fostering, there is an impetus for most people to describe where they are from, so that you can understand them very quickly. When I first traveled far away from home in college, venturing off to Australia, I found that what became quite tiresome was explaining where Oregon was, and also what it was.
“It’s above California,” I’d say, and people would reply, “Oh, so it’s like California! That’s awesome!” And I would have to say no, definitely nothing like California, everyone is much sadder and more ineffectual at steering the state to actual progressive programs.
Being a political science major in Australia did not make me super popular.
Traveling can be quite a lonely prospect when you realize that everyone you meet has absolutely zero idea of the vast sum of your parts. Unless you are a murderer on the lam, in which case it is quite the liberating feeling, or that is what I would say if I were a murderer on the lam, which I am not.
An incredibly unifying experience is going far and wide and meeting someone who enjoys the same sports team as you. It provides a sense of place, a common ground, and if you’re out in the wild and you see another sports fan, you can feel secure that you have at least a few things in common, among the most salient being that you both are from the same place, and the second most salient being you probably hate the same people. The sense of tribe that brings when you are far-flung in the world can be incredibly comforting.
City swag, as I shall now deem it, is the sports team gear of the exploratory set. Perhaps you refer to sports as ‘sportsball, where the sports put the sport stuff in the sport hole’ (Dan would prefer I take more of an interest in sportsball, but then I wouldn’t get to say things like put the sport stuff in the sport hole so I refuse), and if you do, then how to explain to people the bare minimum of what you’re about? An I <3 Portland shirt will do the trick, surely, because if you’re not from there, then people will know you at least like it there, which means they can infer a whole baseline of facts about your personality, for instance that you like trees and probably donuts, much like if you’re wearing a NY Giants jersey, people will know you really like losing (see, Dan, I know sports!).
I found myself gravitating towards buying a sweater that said Oregon on it, but not in a college sports way that would imply I love Oregon football, because I don’t. Just in a generic, “This sweater came from a state you were in and of you wear it people will know you’ve been there and perhaps are from there,” way. Nostalgia about my home moved me to it. Do people look at me and see Portland? Should I make it easier for them to guess?
For $80, the answer is hell no. The nostalgia fled when I remembered that Portland is presently the land of overpriced garbage. Which means people will continue to guess that I am from some undefined Hispanic country, because so far that is what people here have guessed the most.
Not to be an alarmist, but you should know birds aren’t real https://birdsarentreal.com
But hey, at least you can buy a t-shirt ;)